Myth: You can get great pizza in Chicago.
Fact: The pizza in Chicago sucks, and Chicagoans don't know what pizza is.

Yeah, that's right. You heard me. Chicago pizza sucks. I'm saying this because I'm a student at the University of Chicago, and this is the second year I've had to listen to all this "Chicago has the best pizza in the world" crap. Well, I'm here to assert that: (1) Chicago pizza sucks, and (2) Those who take issue with the previous statement do not know what pizza is.

What's that you say? Who am I to tell you, you who has eaten real Chicago pizza, the best in the world, your whole life, what pizza is? For one, my whole family is from Italy (just like pizza). Not like 6 generations ago either. My parents were born and raised there. Also, I've been to Italy and eaten real Italian pizza in Italy (which is not, by the way, deep-dish). So, at the risk of sounding arrogant, I think I am a qualified judge of pizza.

I'm a second-year at the U of C, and in my time here I have been exposed to Chicago "pizza" at three different Chicago institutions: Giordano's, Gino's East, and Pizzeria Uno. Citysearch.com has them ranked #2, 3, and 4 in Chicago, respectively.

The Axis of Pizza Evil

Due to the prominenece of these pizzerias (and I use the term loosely), I feel that I can analyze the quality of Chicago pizza in spite of my limited exposure. Keep in mind that I am not necessarily espousing the stance that all pizza in Chicago sucks. I am writing about Chicago-style, or deep-dish, pizza, since this is the type that is associated with Chicago and seems to be the preferred variety of the natives. I'm sure there are some restaurants that make primarily thin (read: normal) pizza, but I assure you these are the minority.

Giordano's

I have been to Giordano's several times. Giordano's claim to fame, according to the menu, is their deep-dish pizza. The menu also makes sure that you are aware of all the awards their pizza has won from various publications of note: The Chicago Tribune, UR Chicago, WFLD, Food Industry News Magazine, The Today Show and the New York Times. Most of these are explained by their obvious Chicago ties, i.e. The Tribune, UR Chicago, and WFLD (Fox Chicago). After some research, I found that Food Industry News Magazine is a Chicago-based publication for the Wisconsin-Illinois-Indiana tri-state area, again showing a clear Chicago bias. I can only assume that the Times and the Today Show's awards were granted under similar circumstances. Now, on to the pizza.

Exhibit A

1) The sauce - Not the worst I've ever tasted, but not great. Also, there's about 37lbs. of it on every pizza.
2) The crust - Dry, flaky, dense. The texture is somewhat reminiscient of paper.
3) The cheese - The cheese isn't bad, but again, too much.

Gino's East

Gino's is famous for letting you write on the walls and some allege that they have good pizza and their "famous crust" is great. Please. Just because something is famous doesn't mean it's good. Just look at popular music. Or TV. Or movies. Or Fred Durst.

"I suck"

Two words: corn meal. Or is that one word? Anyway, their "famous crust" is made out of corn meal, and it sucks. A lot. Even if whatever they put on top of the pizza was the best in the world (it's not - see Giordano's #1 and #3) the crust would ruin it. I also take issue with a reference made on the Gino's website calling New York the "pizza boonies." Gino's pizza in no way approaches the pizza you can get in New York. Ever. The only reason anyone in NYC would want this corn meal-crusted travesty of a pizza shipped to them is that they're from Chicago and were conned into believing that Gino's represents what a pizza should be.

Pizzeria Uno

With locations in about 30 states, it's not unlikely that there's a Pizzeria Uno near you. If you're thinking about going there, do so at your own risk. You'll be fine as long as you don't order the pizza. From what I've been told, their non-pizza items aren't bad. I went to the original Uno's and had the misfortune of ordering a sausage pizza. If only I knew. The pizza had the same problems as Gino's and Giordano's, and as an added bonus, it was topped with disgusting, terrible, awful sausage. At least the toppings at the other two were normal. I don't know what animal the sausage was made from, or why they felt it was necessary to put so many onions in, but it wasn't good. Remnants of the sausage could still be detected even after I removed it from the pizza. Any redeeming qualities of the pizza were obliterated by the sausage, although I doubt there were anyway.

In conclusion, you can get better (and cheaper) pizza for $1 a slice from the Wildwood boardwalk than you get at any of the above restaurants. I hope that this article sheds some light on the true quality of Chicago pizza.