BREAKING NEWS: FATTY BEEF AND FRENCH FRIES DEEP-FRIED IN FAT MAY BE HIGH IN FAT

This story was recently brought to my attention. If you’re too damn lazy to read the whole thing (it’s only 241 words, you make me sick you slothful bastard), the article is about a lawsuit which alleges that McDonald’s food is the cause of several children’s health problems. The lawyer’s main argument seems to be that McDonald’s food is unhealthy:

Samuel Hirsch argued that the high fat, sugar and cholesterol content of McDonald's food is ‘a very insipid, toxic kind of thing’ when ingested regularly by young kids. (AP)

Part of a balanced diet.

Let’s dissect this statement by Hirsch, who will be referred to as Dumbass. First, regarding the fat, sugar and cholesterol content of McDonald’s food: no shit, Dumbass. I’ve never read the article “Shed those Extra Pounds with Extra Value Meals,” and I don’t remember seeing commercials about the fatass who lost 300lbs because he ate at McDonald’s every day. McDonald’s food is unhealthy. Thanks for that revelation, Professor Dumbass.

The window to weight loss

Common sense should tell anyone that this is not exactly health food. Ok, so not everyone has common sense, but it’s not like this is some big secret that’s been covered up from the public. At every McDonald’s I’ve ever been to, there’s a big-ass sign right near the registers that tells you exactly how fast the food will kill you, so there’s really no excuse for being unaware of the nutritional value of McDonald’s food.

Continuing with our analysis, Dumbass also said the food is “toxic…when ingested regularly.” So maybe the food isn’t the whole problem, Dumbass. Maybe these people shouldn’t be eating at McDonald’s on a regular basis, Dumbass. After all, nobody’s forcing them to, and you called the food “insipid,” so why would they even want to eat there regularly? Dumbass. Also, McD’s can’t be the only cause of a weight problem if the child has poor eating habits overall. Shouldn’t he have noticed he was a fatass before he weighed 400lbs and perhaps changed his eating habits?

At this point, I think some more information about this child is needed:

He allegedly ate up to five meals there a day (WPVI News).

Five meals a day. 5. V. However you write it, it’s still ridiculous. Who the hell eats at McDonald’s five times a day? And, for that matter, who the hell lets their child eat at McDonald’s five times a day? Also, the quote says five meals there a day, so that figure doesn’t even count meals at school, home, Burger King, etc. It’s hard to imagine how this kid could have developed a weight problem.

Now, I am by no means a fan, supporter, or patron of McDonald’s, but this case is bullshit. With this kid eating 22 meals a day, of course he’s going to weigh 400 pounds. I don’t see why McDonald’s is responsible (even though they’ll probably give the kids a settlement anyway; see Coffee-Scalded Lady vs. McDonald’s), since I don’t think they found this kid and force-fed him Big Macs until he started to resemble Grimace.

"My name is Grimace, and I'm an overeater."

Considering everything I’ve discussed, I submit this possible dialogue between the prosecuting attorneys:

Dumbass: Hey, we haven’t made an assload of money in a while. Let’s go after some giant corporation.
Greedy Lawyer 1: Yeah, good call. How about a tobacco company? Everyone’s getting cancer these days, so someone will want to file suit.
GL2: Pssht. That’s SO 1999. But I like the health angle. What about fat people? Could we do anything with that?
GL1: Yeah, I must have seen like 37 fat kids on my way to work.
GL2: Kids are even better! The public will sympathize with them and we’re bound to get a settlement.
Dumbass: Ok, so we need a company that makes kids fat and has a lot of money…
ALL: McDonald’s!
Dumbass: Now let’s go find some fat kids!